11 lies you’ll say on a road trip

1. It’s going to be all like windows down, arms out, wind streaming through hair with “California Dreaming” by The Mamas & The Papas blaring…

But no, it’s balls hot, you are literally in Fire Valley, Nevada in 114-degree heat and you can only survive if the air conditioner is blowing directly onto your face.

2. You can make it just a little bit further without losing your shit — covering 1,000 miles in one day is no big deal.

That’s before the buttock cramps and the complete loss of any personality you once had. When you realize you’re in the middle of bumblef*ck, Nebraska and there isn’t a single hotel within a 50-mile radius, you’ll experience complete meltdown.

3. You’re going to take this opportunity to listen to every classic music album you’ve missed out on in the past.

Ok, you did some research, downloaded the “Top 100 Albums Of All Time” and started off well. But let’s be realistic — sometimes you want to listen to a familiar song that you actually know instead of trying to think of another album you’ve never heard of on your tenth hour of driving.

4. You won’t eat fast food.

Yes you will. There’s a major chain at every stop, and the alluring Waffle House signs loom over the highway — $8 pancakes and bacon is everywhere. It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s cheap.

5. You won’t drink energizer drinks.

You didn’t sleep well, you have 12 hours to get to your next destination, and no amount of ‘metaphorical’ matches are going to keep your eyes open — so yes, yes you will my friends.

6. You’re going to see more than one sunrise.

You might not even make one. Chances are you’ll be hitting that snooze button like a mother — there is no way you’ll be able to get up after all those exhausting tarmac-schlepping hours.

7. There’s beauty everywhere.

Anywhere you go in the world has its good and bad points. Sometimes road trips can be plain dull. Especially when you’re heading through downtrodden urban paradises and flat roads with nothing except tarmac to look at for hours. But when you get to the Colorado Rockies or the Blue Ridge Parkway, it’s all worth it.

8. You can successfully hold your bladder for 4 hours straight.

Nobody can do that. You’re going to have some serious close calls, then you’re going to get thirsty, which turns into a vicious circle of: Can’t drink — need the toilet — but I’m so thirsty — argh!

9. Packing a lunch and ‘healthy’ snacks will be fun and nutritious and you’ll feel good about yourself and actually do it.

You do feel good for the first few days. But then the novelty wears off. You’ll be eating peanut butter out of the jar with your finger because you’re desperate. Carrots and raisins are NOT cutting it. And boiled eggs? Come on, the smell!

10. You will not argue with your travel partner.

It’s only natural to get a little ‘niggly’ with each other after a while. You’ll find yourself squabbling over the music choices, the bad smells that keep wafting through the vehicle, and when you can, and can’t stop for a toilet break.

11. You’ll keep your car tidy and organized at all times.

It’s a road trip, you’re practically living out of your car — it’s not happening! Go with it, let those Combo bags pile up.

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